This wonderful collection of 140 original prayers -- published here for the first time -- is suitable for anyone who leads public prayers, or is looking for a resource to enrich private devotions. Covering a wide variety of subjects, the prayers are grouped under broad headings: Through the year; Church and ministry; Pastoral prayers; Community; Government and justice; Home and family life; Food and hospitality, and Devotional prayers. A comprehensive index is provided to guide you quickly to exactly what you need.
On 18 September 2014, a mere 700-and-a-bit years after the Battle of Bannockburn, the latest power struggle between Scotland and England will be over, one way or another - but this time probably without the swords, horses and armour. Independence is, without question, a very serious subject, but there is a funny side too. Now Ian Black, master of the witty remark, king of the one-liner and enthusiastic unfurler of the Saltire, looks at the lighter side of Independence. With more pro-Independence and anti-No-voter jokes and tales than you can shake a stick at, Scotland vs England is the perfect antidote to a very serious subject. Some very important questions are posed, such as what the new currency will be - perhaps the dreichma, to combine our usual weather with some future Greek-style financial meltdown. And what goes 'putt' and what goes 'putt, putt, putt, putt'? The answer: a Scottish golfer and an English golfer on the Old Course at St Andrews. Scotland vs England may not help you make up your mind about the future of the nation, but in the serious times ahead when there's no escape from politicians, it will be a very welcome distraction.
Have you ever felt like ripping off your knickers, donning your kilt, drinking sixteen pints and becoming the latest recruit to the concatenation of chaos that is the Tartan Army, but have been ashamed to because of your lack of musical and lyrical knowledge? Fear not! Help is at hand. The songs and chats in this volume have been collected and culled both from the virgin footsoldiers and from the grizzled veterans of the Tartan Army's long war against sobriety, and are guaranteed to have no moral worth of any kind. No liver has gone unsacrificed in the search, especially the author's, and the work continues. There are plainsongs (and fancy ones), as well as sweet and sour ones and every nuance of flavour in between, but they all boil down to the (Completely Unofficial) slogan of the Tartan Army, which is: 'We'll support you evermore, f*** the score!'
It's an eternal argument which divides people all over the world. People fight about it. Couples divorce over it. But, when the chips are down, you're either cool for cats or hot for dogs. Some people even pretend to like both but, if you could only save your dog or your cat from a grisly fate, which one would you choose? Are cats cooler than dogs or are dogs better that cats? Here, Ian Black sorts out this age-old question in his usual comic style. FOR THE CATS. Cats are cool. There even used to be a TV programme called Cool for Cats, run by some human pretending to be cool. He wasn't because only cats are cool. FOR THE DOGS. Dogs aren't cool. Dogs are warm. Dogs are dogged. When a dog loves you, he loves you through to the marrow of your bones and for ever. If they don't have dogs in heaven, then I want to go where they do. The one absolutely unselfish friend that man can have in this selfish world, the one that never deserts him, the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous, is his dog. A man's dog stands by him in prosperity and poverty, in health and sickness. He will lick the hand that has no food to offer. He will guard the sleep of his pauper master as if he were a prince. Consider: Cats are intelligent but only show it when they want to. Dogs are stupid and don't care if they show it or not. Cats give food to whoever they are loyal to. Dogs are loyal to whoever gives them food. Even people who hit them. Doh! DOGS OR CATS IT'S TIME TO CHOOSE!
Weegies have long been known for the quickness of their wit and the sharpness of their tongues. But behind every surreal retort and casual, bloodthirsty threat, is there a hidden profundity? A deep philosophical stance? Aye right, maybe, aiblins, perhaps. It really doesn't matter when they're this funny. In Glasgow's DNA there is an inbuilt belief that making a fool of yourself is OK, as long as it gets a laugh, makes a buck, builds a better society of whatever. After all, nobody but a real fool never made a mistake and it's a well-known fact that Weegies do try harder and laugh louder. In Weegie Wit and Wisdom, find out why Glaswegians drink, the best threats and insults for every occasion and why the Weegie approach to life helps Glasgow consistently top the league as the UK's happiest city. Amusing and entertaining, with just the right amount of wit and wisdom, it's time to discover the secrets of the Weegie world.
Mair/Merr hilarious jokes and anecdotes on the eternal struggle that is WEEGIES v EDINBUGGERS. This latest effusion is a completely new collection of anti-Weegie and anti-Edinbugger swedging, hard hits and sneaky bits from the West and East sides, sharp jibes and bludgeoning diatribes, including the slogan from a graffitti-covered wall in Glasgow's West End which avers that 'James Kelman likes fucking Edinburgh' and the one, possibly from Pilton, which claims 'Hugh MacDiarmid took sugar in his porridge'. You may find some reference to Shir Sean and the reason that he chose to support Celtic rather than Hearts or Hibs, and you will find a list of things that you will never see in Edinburgh, but which have been personally observed by the author in the streets of Glasgow, starting with a Muslim woman in the full chador, Iranian Abaya-style, eyeslit only, pulling said eyeslit down so that she could blow a big bubble with her gum to amuse her toddler. But it is just friendly rivalry really, isn't it? To use the double positive negative, a figure of speech unique to Scotland: Aye, right.
EXAMS! Just the word is enough to bring you out in a muck sweat. We've all been there, staring at the paper, wondering what it means, and if we'll get extra marks for a funny answer or just pelters and an 'F' for F'un Eejit-Heid Failure. F'un Exams is a hilarious collation of exam answers that most of us would have liked to have made, just for the hell of it. In Home Eccy, for instance, the question, 'Name three typical Scottish dishes' got the answer, 'A cup, a plate, and a wee saucer with a chip out of it.' Was that you? So reminisce, step back into the exam hall, and have a laugh at the true and allegedly true howlers in F'un Exams. And if it wasn't you that gave these answers, you'll wish it was.
Mair Weegie Wan-Liners is the brand new volume of Glaswegiana by Ian Black, he of the many broken noses, of the casual insults, the slanders and the outright naked threats repeated in the houghmagandie-ridden howffs and the haud-me-doons of his native city. You will laugh, you may cry, you will repeat them - but always use these words with care.
When someone describes a bitter woman as having 'a mouth like a kirby grip', or a depressed man as having 'a face like a horse in the huff', you can be fairly sure that you have strayed into Weegie Wan-Liners territory. Greatest Weegie Wan-Liners is the latest collection of Glaswegiana, the straightforward insults, the sly digs and the outright threats, culled from pubs and howffs citywide by Ian Black, master of the quick sidestep. Hilarious, witty and full of priceless quirky quips, this is one book that is sure to make you cry with laughter and have you reciting lines to everyone you meet - just be careful who you say them to!
Scouse One-Liners is the latest collection showcasing the Scouse skill for straightforward insults, sly digs and outright threats, culled from pubs and clubs Liverpool-wide by Ian Black, master of the quick sidestep. Uproariously witty and full of unforgettable sidesplitting sayings, this is one book that will have you crying with laughter and reciting lines to everyone you meet - but just be careful who you say them to!
Greatest Geordie One-Liners is the latest collection of the Geordies' knack for the casual insults, the sly digs, and the outright naked threats, culled from pubs and clubs Newcastle-wide by Ian Black, master of the quick sidestep. Hilarious, witty and full of sidesplitting quips, this book will make you cry with laughter and have you reciting quotes to everyone you meet. Just gan canny, though, you never know who will be listening!
Greatest Manc One-Liners is the latest collection of the Manc's knack for the straightforward insults, the sly digs, and the outright naked threats, gleaned from pubs and clubs Manchester-wide by Ian Black, master of the quick sidestep. Hilarious, witty and full of priceless quirky quips, this book will make you laugh, cry and have you reciting quotes to everyone you meet. Just take care, though, you never know who is listening!
The rivalry between the cities of Newcastle and Sunderland is one of the fiercest and longest standing in Britain. Now Geordies vs Mackems & Mackems vs Geordies takes a look at the funny side of this enduring rivalry. Just to give you a flavour of how much Geordies and Mackems mutually detest each other, try this little jibe from the Newcastle terraces: Thieves broke into the trophy room of the Stadium of Shite, as the Geordies have lovingly christened Sunderland's Stadium of Light, and stole the entire contents. Police are looking for a 50-foot red and white stripy carpet. Or how about: A Geordie fan is leaving the ground after yet another Keegan tactical disaster. A lady of the night comes up to him and says: 'Do you fancy a blow job, pet?' He stares at her in a dim, Geordie-like way, and asks: 'Will it affect me Giro?' Within this volume you will find the reasons why a Geordie would rather take Osama Bin Laden home for tea that a Mackem. Of course all Geordies know that Mackems have all the qualities of a poker, except for its occasional warmth, and that the worst two things about any given Mackem is his (or her) face. The people of these two great cities have traditionally regarded each other with the greatest possible loathing, mistrust and contempt. They are both absolutely right. And this book is the proof.
The rivalry between Cardiff and Swansea is one of the fiercest there is anywhere. Each city has its own point of view about the other and over the years their citizens have developed a fine line in humour. Now Ian Black turns his rapier-like wit to this tale of two cities to bring this (mostly) friendly rivalry to life. From the rugby pitch to the fierce football rivalry of the South Wales derby between the Bluebirds of Cardiff City FC and the Jacks of Swansea City FC this is a hilarious collection of jokes, anecdotes, banter and diatribes as each city tries to outdo the other.
Urban myths. They could have happened anywhere, but you know they could all have happened in Glasgow. In this new collection of the best Glasgow urban myths, truth is often stranger than fiction, but can you work out which stories really did happen to a friend of a friend of an enemy of a friend of a friend? Glasgow urban myths, like the one about some Edinbuggers being occasionally pleasant, are as many and varied as Glaswegians themselves. And all the best are gathered in this collection of mirth and myth, like the one about the wasted willie and the pylon, or the one about the car thief and the opera tickets. Glasgow Urban Myths is full of all the hilarious stories that ever happened to a friend of a friend of an enemy of a friend of a friend in Glasgow - hard truths and blatant lies, albeit in a sort of hit and myth style, but you will laugh, and you will repeat them.
This book presents more friendly city rivalry anecdotes from Ian Black. How much do Mancs hate Scousers? Well, there's not a lot you can compare it to, except of course how much Scousers hate Mancs. Which is rather a lot, as you might gather from this charming little ditty from the Anfield terraces: 'There's only one Dr. Shipman, there's only one Harold Shipman, we owe him our thanks, cos he killed lots of Mancs, we're walking in a Shipman wonderland.' There are diatribes and angry jibes, but, according to Ian Black, the bestselling author of Weegies vs Edinbuggers, it's just a friendly rivalry, really. Right?
Looking to escape the black cloak of your Calvinist heritage? Feeling dismally depressed by tomes of gloomy Scottish sayings? Need an umbrella against life's constant drizzle of pessimism? The look no further than Positive Thinking for Calvinists - The School of Soft Knox. We all know that the Scottish psyche is a complex creature, a victim of centuries of sackcloth and ashes. And when we look into the deep well of our Scottish souls we see the dark waters of Calvinism lying in wait. Definitely time for some positive thinking . . . So, if you've ever wondered if wool grows just as fast on lazy sheep, why hard work sometimes pays off in the future but indolence works this very minute and what exactly is the worst sort of Calvinist, then the answers are all here. And you might be surprised. You might even, God help us all, crack a smile or two dozen.
The traditional rivalries run deep between Glasgow's industry-blighted East End and the leafy suburban academia of the West End. The typical West Ender viewpoint is that the East End is full of workshy junkies and your average East Enders knows fine that the West End is populated by jumped-up snobs, but a shared sense of humour means that everything is just hunky-dory. 'Aye right', as we say in Glasgow when we mean: 'No way'. These rivalries are ancient, sometimes vicious, and run as deep at the Styx, but nowadays the main weapon is humour. People in the West are reacting to the suggestion that the Commonwealth Games is being shared by the city: 'Shared is it? Aye, the East End is getting it and we're paying for it'. These are the tall tales, the tantrums and the taradiddles told by both sides. Laugh? You'll probably flit to Edinburgh.
This book presents more friendly city rivalry anecdotes from Ian Black. How much do Mancs hate Scousers? Well, there's not a lot you can compare it to, except of course how much Scousers hate Mancs. Which is rather a lot, as you might gather from this charming little ditty from the Anfield terraces: There's only one Dr. Shipman, there's only one Harold Shipman, we own him our thanks, cos he killed lots of Mancs, we're walking in a Shipman wonderland. Then there's the belief among Mancs that all Scousers want to move to Manchester and drive down property values, just out of badness. (Not the case, according to the Scouse woman who says: 'I wouldn't want to move to a place where you have to put on matching clothing to pick up the milk from the doorstep.') There are diatribes and angry jibes, but, according to Ian Black, the bestselling author of "Weggies vs Edinbuggers", it's just a friendly rivalry, really. Right?
C'est l'histoire d'une petite fille qui s'ennuie beaucoup, tout le temps. Elle s'ennuie tant, que quand elle rencontre une patate, elle lui propose même de jouer avec elle.
Mais la patate, comme toutes les patates, ne fait pas preuve de beaucoup d'enthousiasme.
Face à autant d'inertie, la petite fille trouve alors en elle des trésors de possibilités... Il ne lui reste plus qu'à prouver à la patate que les enfants ont toujours pleins d'idées pour s'occuper et sont plein de ressources ! En un mot, qu'il y a 1000 choses à faire quand on s'ennuie. Mais la patate s'ennuie toujours. Et si l'ennui n'était qu'une question de mauvaise volonté?
L'héroïne, une petite fille aux couettes hautes perchées est croquée avec talent.
Les expressions de la patate, quant à elles, valent le détour.
Un titre plein d'humour, pas ennuyeux du tout du tout.
Flamant rose est triste. Il est même vraiment très triste. Mais qu'à cela ne tienne, ses amis, la petite fille et la pomme de terre, sont là pour lui et vont tout mettre en oeuvre pour lui rendre le sourire, mais surtout ils l'aideront à traverser ce moment et à accepter sa tristesse.
Traduction de Marie-Andrée Dufresne et Simon de Jocas.
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